The Art of Having a Successful Conversation
A great conversation is wonderful; there is an exchange of incites, where both people feel heard and respected. Why is it, when an “important” topic needs to be discussed, that conversations can feel completely different?
When we have an emotional stake in an important conversation we tend to focus on “winning” the argument. This can happen to anyone, including those trained in modalities such as coaching or therapy. It’s easy for anyone to regress to a less than civilized state when emotionally involved.
The problem with going into a conversation where you are intent on changing someone’s mind is the other person builds up even more of a defense, like reacting to a virus that is threatening their immune system.
There are ways to ensure that a “crucial conversation” doesn’t spiral downwards into a series of arguments and rebuttals. Rather than arguing with someone on why they should change, help them find their own motivation to change. This is the premise behind the technique of Motivational Interviewing, which uses the following skills:
Active Listening: This means going beyond the surface level, and shifting the spotlight to the other person. Rather than just thinking about what your next question is going to be, really listen to what the person is saying. Ask further questions to get clear on what they’re trying to express. Reflect back on their statements, using their own words. ”So, I hear you saying you’re really afraid of being judged”, for example.
Asking Questions: When you listen to a TV interview, the questions sometimes seems obvious, but the real intent of the interviewer is to elicit the other person’s reasoning. Far too often, we just assume what the other person’s feelings and points of view are. Ask questions in a way that will draw out the other person’s thinking. A good opener to a conversation could be: “I’d love to better understand your feelings about (subject for discussion)”. Other follow-up questions: “What things about (subject for discussion) do you like? Dis-like? What stops you from (changing point of view)? What would need to happen for you to reassess your point of view?
The point of active listening and asking questions in this way is to allow the person to express what they’re thinking in a non-confrontational setting. If there is any wiggle room in their own logic, they will bring it up all on their own. Not only do you learn something about their stance, they may well gain some incites too.
Check Your Assumptions: Try to move away from either/or thinking. It’s possible that the person’s single-mindedness that last time you spoke doesn’t mean they are always that way.
Be Curious: Take a stance of being truly interested in the other person’s point of view, and try to see what you can learn, as opposed to bending them to your way of thinking.
Give Space for Answers: Be mindful of jumping in before the person has had time to reflect and respond. If you continue talking after you’ve asked your question, you miss out on what the person would have said. People don’t really like silence, so let the other person be the one to break it.